Won’t leave their room? You’ve got to think like a teen!

So your teen won’t leave their room? They’re in there all day, gaming, on social media, watching Netflix.

Several parents have contacted me to ask what they should do. How much should they worry, and how can they get them outside for a breath of fresh air or exercise?

Well, it won’t be easy, and my suggestions may not work for everyone, but I hope that by sharing some of my thoughts about thinking like a teen, it might help you to get alongside them and start a more productive conversation. You may well be doing all of these things, but if not, I hope they help!

And remember, it isn’t all bad- by connecting with their friends online they are still building their social network, which is good.

The main thing to remember is that teens are biologically driven to connect with their peers. They have that ‘laser focus’ I’ve talked about before- they can’t help but prioritise friendship/ new people of their own age over parents/ family- it’s evolution in practice!

But this can work to your advantage too… see below!

·      First of all, don’t criticise whatever it is they are doing with their friends; gaming, chatting, sharing photos. It might not be our idea of fun but it’s how they connect, so it’s important not to make the conversation you have with them about ‘doing less’ of that, but instead ‘doing a new additional activity’- getting fresh air, doing something sporty or seeing someone in person, if allowed.

·      Make sure they aren’t struggling with their mental health. Have a gentle, compassionate and patient conversation about how they are feeling. Let them know you are interested, and keen to hear their thoughts. They may grunt at you, but they can hear you. Say that you know that young people have been the most affected by mental health issues in the pandemic and you want to check how they are doing. Try not to use negative questions like ‘you’re not depressed are you?’ which are more likely to lead to ‘no’ answers. Instead, try to use open questions like ‘how are you feeling really?’ or ‘it must be really difficult, I can’t imagine how it would have been for me at your age, missing out on friends/ parties/Glastonbury’ (you know your child best).

·      Once you’ve established that they are not too anxious or depressed (if they are then seek further advice and support from your GP, or online), then you can try the peer- focused, gentle encouragement I mentioned earlier. They may not care so much what you think, but they will care what peers think. So gently suggest that as lockdown won’t be forever, they might still want to stay fit for sport/ hobbies, keep their skin looking healthy, avoid getting too unfit (go easy here depending on their relationship with their body/ food), have a healthy skin tone and so on, by staying active and getting outside. ‘You want to be able to do your sports/ look well/be healthy for when you’re back at school/ playing sport/ meeting your mates again’ etc. Don't make them feel bad about their current appearance, of course, make this about staying well for future activities.

·      Sleep is also really important for looking well, keeping a healthy weight, managing mood, and achieving well academically, so don’t forget to mention getting good, regular sleep to them too.

·      And finally, make sure that, even if they won’t leave their room much, they join you for meals. So have boundaries about not having meals in their room, no phones or tech at the table and lead by example/ be a good role model, so that at least once a day you all sit together, keeping the conversation focused on things that matter to them/ Netflix!

I hope that some of this is helpful, but essentially, try not to criticise them (life’s hard enough right now), and think about what might motivate them, to help them stay healthy in lockdown.