I have been asked a fair few times recently (unsurprisingly) about mood swings; teens feeling either really happy or really sad, and anger outbursts. Mood swings are a part of teenage development, and can be completely normal, as they react to the world around them, or to stressful or uplifting events.
Our old friend Evolution
Much as ‘toddler tantrums’ are accepted as a part of development and learning about boundaries, ‘teen mood swings’ (and anger outbursts) may play a part in learning how to respond to life’s challenges. Feelings are crucial to evolving, adapting and surviving in life. Emotions teach us, for example, to run away if we are scared. So it is important that we don’t try to shut our teen down, shout back or overreact, if we are to help them through what is actually pretty upsetting for them too. Teens have to learn when to (metaphorically) ‘run’ and when to manage their fear and stand their ground. They have to learn to control their emotions.
Why so moody? (clue: it’s not just ‘hormones’)
As I mentioned in a previous blog about the intensity of teen feelings (and how it helps them to learn positively), having intense feelings and experiences also helps them to make sense of the difficult things they encounter. Their brains are learning all the time; about what is safe or a threat, what is important or trivial, and having forceful emotions about anything (such as tricky homework, relationships with friends) will subconsciously be teaching them about what matters in life.
The ‘emotional brain’ usually wins
The emotional part of the teenage brain can easily overpower the logical thinking part, so they may feel overwhelmed by emotion when it feels disproportionate to us. They may also seemingly ‘overreact’ to more minor upsets (their favourite t shirt is not clean enough to wear!) but that may also be because the teen brain has yet to fully develop its ‘impulse control zone’. They are less able to biologically ‘take back control’ of their feelings or actions, but this improves as they get older (promise!). The bit of the brain that controls impulses is the very last bit to develop (by about age 25).
Check nothing more serious is going on
Mood swings and anger can of course be a sign that more serious things are going on. This is another reason not to dismiss their behaviour, and so if it seems persistent and is interfering with activities that they would normally enjoy or look forward to, then it may be worth exploring further or talking to their GP with them. For example, anxiety and depression can be a cause of changing behaviour, as can alcohol, drugs or the steroids used in body building (‘Roid Rage). These are less common causes of mood swings in teens than just normal ups and downs but should not be forgotten. And just to be clear, as I have been asked this more than once, violence is never acceptable. If your teen hits you, that is never OK, and should be addressed with the support perhaps of another trusted adult in your lives. Do not let this slide.
How should I talk to them about mood swings?
The key here is to be compassionate, share your concern gently, and look to uncover the reason they might be feeling up and down (the ‘why’ behind the mood swings). This may take time, but you will hopefully be able to find times to talk, to express your worry, and at least let them know you want to listen if they want to talk. Being open and supportive is vital, as is trying not to overreact (as you are also their role model, so if you get angry, they will subconsciously mimic this at other times). Not always easy but try to take a deep breath when they fly off the handle and remain calm.
What else might help?
Other helpful approaches are to create routine and predictability in their lives if they feel anxious or stressed, with activities outdoors, and contact with positive friends.
The BLAST method can be useful too. Ask them to consider what is behind their mood (Bored Lonely Angry Stressed Tired – Hungry is sometimes added) and address that issue. You can read more about that approach here.
Overall, I hope I have managed to convey that mood swings are normal and part of teen development and learning about the world around them, and what matters in life. We can help them through this stressful time by being understanding, remaining calm, and considering if anything more serious might be underlying the issues (the ‘why’). If you can help them to make sense of their emotions, as they learn to respond appropriately, reassure them that it gets easier, and role model (when possible) then you will be doing all you can at a difficult time. We all shout occasionally, tears of frustration are normal and human, but if you need more support reach out to your GP, to the school pastoral team, or read more here.
You are not alone.